A truck full of tortoises and a truck full of terrapins collided. It was a turtle disaster.
Jokes
Foul
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband.
He didn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, the husband calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘What you order?’
‘We asked for Chicken Surprise.’
‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peking Duck‘.
Ask a silly question…
These questions were supposedly posted on an Australian tourism website. The answers are alleged to be the actual responses given by the tourism organisation’s staff, who obviously have a great sense of humour, and a rather low opinion of people who ask silly questions.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) *
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only four thousand kilometres, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
* “Kangaroos in the street” is a standing joke in Australia. In fact, catching sight of one hopping along an urban street is as likely as seeing the Titanic complete its maiden voyage. Having said that, however, I was very surprised one morning to see a young kangaroo in the main street of my small town. It was around five or six am, so there was very little traffic. The kangaroo looked rather lost, and I was working so I didn’t have time to hang around to see what happened. There are lots of kangaroos around here, and it’s easy to see them in the bush and even on the road in a particular spot just out of town (I’ve actually driven slowly behind a small one because it hadn’t learned to move off the road when traffic came along). That’s the only time I’ve ever seen one in town, though.
Touche
Father O’Malley, an Irish priest, was transferred to Texas.
He woke the first morning in his new parish to a fine Texas spring day. When he went to his bedroom window to look out on the beautiful morning he noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
‘Good morning This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?’
‘And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead on me front lawn.’
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ‘Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you folks took care of the last rites!’
There was dead silence on the line for a moment, then Father O’Malley replied, ‘Aye, ’tis certainly true… but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.’
Technology for Seniors
When I bought my BlackBerry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos and pictures, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids and their spouses, my 13 grandkids and two great-grandkids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, twhirl, TwitterFon, Tweetie, Twitterific, TweetDeck, Twitpic and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I now keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday, because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth (it’s red) phone I am supposed to use when I drive.
I wore it once. I was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife, and everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
I mean, the GPS looked pretty smart on my dashboard, but the lady inside that gadget was the rudest, most annoying person I had run into in a long time. 
Every ten minutes, she would say sarcastically, “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead… well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets. While she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for four years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once, and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves, but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, ‘Paper or Plastic?’ I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, “No, but I do toot a lot.”
We senior citizens don’t need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle. I won’t mention the time I mistook the TV remote for the cordless phone.