What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn’t actually mine.
Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

What is the opposite of a croissant?
A happy uncle.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers?
The infantry.

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely.

What’s the opposite of irony?
Wrinkly.

I was kidnapped by mimes once.
They did unspeakable things to me.

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.
All it was doing was gathering dust!

When you die, what part of the body dies last?
The pupils…they dilate.

A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can’t part with it.

You know there’s no official training for trash collectors?
They just pick things up as they go along.

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?
Bernadette.

Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it.

I was searching for candles on eBay. I found more than 15,000 matches.