Jokes

Could you help me to destroy my school, please?

John
Becky is an eight-year-old from Dublin who wants to destroy her school.

The accents are a little tricky for foreigners like me, so here’s a transcript of Becky’s call to the demolition company:

– Hello, who do you call?
– Hi! Is that the demolition place?
– It is, yes.
– Could you help me to destroy my school, please?
– Just bear with me a second.
– Hello?
– Hi.
– Where- What school do you go to?
– I go to a school in Dublin.
– And you want it demolished?
– Yeah
– Ha ha ha
– Do you use a big wrecking ball or how do you knock it down?
– A big wreck- a big ball.
– Right.
– Hold on one wee second, please.
– Hello
– How are you? My name is Becky.
– Yes?
– I have a proposal for you.
– Go ahead
– Are you the demolition man?
– Yes.
– You’re the top boss, yeah?
– Go ahead, what’s the fact? … hello?
– I want you to help me destroy my school
– You wanna blow it up?
– Could you blow it up or knock it down?
– Whatever. Whatever. Whatever you want done.
– I’ll blow it up! That would be better. Could you make sure that all my teachers are in there when you knock it down?
– I don’t know if I’d get away with that, I don’t know.
– Ah, you will! Nobody likes ’em.
– Ha!
– They give me extra homework on a Friday and everything.
– Where are you calling from?
– From Dublin.
– What- Where- What school in Dublin?
– The one that’s about to fall down.
– There’s a lot of schools in Dublin about to fall down.
– And how much would it cost to knock it to the ground?
– It depends on how big it is.
– Give me a ball park finger… figure
– … ha ha ha… “give me a ball park finger!”… ha ha ha… oh geez!
– Is this a demolition company or a joke factory?
– It’s a joke factory at the moment. It’s a joke factory…
– Listen, are you gonna come and knock my school down or what?
– Actually can you fax me through a photograph or a site plan or something?
– Right. I’ll fax it through. A plan of the school and my teachers’ names.
– Yeah. No problem. Yeah.
– And you just make sure that they’re all in the building when you knock it down!
– You put all of the names on it, I’ll give you a page for each individual teacher.
– Yeah. Brilliant!
– Yeah!
– When the school falls down? Will it make a crash or a wallop?
– Will start fire on both sides or make a big bang!
– Sounds good. Oh listen, I’ll talk to you later, top man.
– Same. Good luck, page. You look after yourself.
– Fill your boots, man!
– Eh? Good luck. He he!
– See you after!

Enterprising

John

An engineer cannot find a job, so he opens a clinic and puts up a sign outside that says, “Get treatment for $50; if not cured, get $100 back!” A doctor, seeing a good opportunity to show up the engineer and earn a quick hundred dollars, visits the clinic.

Doctor: I have lost my sense of taste.

Engineer: Nurse, bring the medicine from box 22 and place three drops in the patient’s mouth.

Doctor (spitting out the medicine): This is not medicine, it’s gasoline!

Engineer: Congrats… you have your taste back. That will be $50.

Very annoyed, the doctor returns a few days later, determined to recover his money.

Doctor: I have lost my memory; I can’t remember a thing.

Engineer: Nurse, bring the medicine from box 22 and put three drops in the patient’s mouth.

Doctor: But this medicine is for the sense of taste!

Engineer: Congratulations! Your memory is back… that will be $50.

The doctor leaves, angry. After several days he comes back for one last try.

Doctor: My eyesight has become weak.

Engineer: Well, I don’t have any medicine for that. Take this $100.

Doctor: But this is only a $50 note!

Engineer: Congratulations, your eyesight has improved! That will be $50.

Mistaken identity

John

Several men are changing in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and one of the men engages the hands-free speaker function. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello.”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $3,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. There’s one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “Ninety thousand dollars.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $1,550,000.”

MAN: “Well, then, go ahead and give them an offer of one and a half. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra fifty thousand. It’s really a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him, astonished, mouths agape…

He smiles and asks, “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”