Gogh for it

Meet some little-known members of Vincent van Gogh’s family:

U Gogh Grandfather from Yugoslavia
Fla Ming Gogh Vincent’s bird-watcher grandmother
Winnie Bay Gogh A great-aunt who travelled the country in an RV
Where-diddy Gogh An uncle who was a magician
Verti Gogh The dizzy aunt
Cant Gogh An uncle who suffered chronic constipation
Way To Gogh The aunt who taught positive thinking
Gotta Gogh The little brother who ate too many prunes
Go Gogh The disco-loving sister
Stop N Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store
Tan Gogh A cousin who was a champion ballroom dancer
Man Gogh Another cousin – one who loved fruit
Wells-far Gogh A nephew who drove a stage coach
Po Gogh Vincent’s bouncy little niece

Moses and the EIS

God called down to Moses and said, “I’ve got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”

Moses replied, “Most merciful God, if I have brought you any favour, please give me the good news first.”

“Moses, the good news is that I’ve chosen you to deliver my people from bondage,” God answered. “I will force Pharaoh to release my children by causing years of pestilence in Egypt. There will be plagues of locusts and frogs and incredible devastation upon the land. Pharaoh’s armies will chase you as you try to leave, but do not fear because I will part the waters of the Red Sea to aid in your escape.”

“And the bad news?” Moses asked.

“You have to prepare the Environmental Impact Statement,” God replied.

With apologies to the writer of the Old Testament book of Exodus

Homespun Wisdumb

Bob Tzu (not his real name, surprisingly) is a fount of wacky wisdom, a little reminiscent of the humour of Steven Wright. Bob has given me some great laughs over the last few years… and occasionally there’s a nugget of genuine wisdom mixed in with the humour.

His latest duhism… “I’m working on a new invention: it’s a spray that eliminates the smell of room deodorizer.”

There’s a whole family of Tzus – along with Bob there’s his wife Bobbie-Sue Tzu, his brother Billy-Bob Tzu, and his dog Petting Tzu – and you can find them at Duhism – The Impractical Wisdumb of Bob Tzu. Have a look in the archive for a good laugh.

Guide dog blues

The tale of Lucky, the evil seeing eye dog, can be found on many websites and has repeatedly surfaced in the mainstream media. Stephen Fry used it as his end-of-show quote on a 2007 episode of QI (Series D, Episode 3: Dogs – shown as a repeat tonight here in Australia).

“We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a damn good guide dog,” Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters. “He just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that’s all.”

Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners. “I admit it’s not an impressive record on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne to Frankfurt express was approaching, and he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him and running away to safety. But, apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days.”

Asked if Lucky’s fifth owner would be told about his previous record, Gerber replied: “No. It would make them nervous, and that would make Lucky nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he’s liable to do something silly.”

The supposedly true story has been passed around since at least 1997, according to Barbara Mikkelson at snopes.com. Mikkelson comments, “Stories that lack this much in the way of checkable facts (e.g., the name of an organization that could be contacted, or the names of victims whose obituaries could be checked) almost always turn out to be hoaxes.”

Hoax or not, it’s a compelling story!